Self compassion is the ability to turn understanding, love and acceptance inwards. It has been shown to be positively correlated with decreased depression and anxiety and greater life satisfaction.
According to the research of Kirstin Neff, self compassion is different than self esteem. Where self esteem requires that you feel good about yourself relative to others, self compassion requires acknowledging and surrendering to the fact that we share the human condition of imperfection.
Research has shown that women, particularly in North America, have less self compassion than men do. This may seem surprising given that women often assume the role of caregiver and therefore, have lots of experience offering nurturance, understanding, love and acceptance to others.
While these self sacrificing behaviours often arise out of feeling compassion for others, feeling self compassion is a different, although not entirely unrelated skill set.
Women who lack self compassion have a coping deficit. An increasing amount of research shows that, self compassion is one of the most potent sources of coping and resilience. Fortunately, self compassion is a skill set that can be practiced and improved upon. Here’s some ideas to get you started.
Extend kindness to yourself. This means yearning for wellness for yourself and taking steps toward personal growth and development.
1. Nourish yourself.
I am not talking about having an ice cream sundae or a high fat salty snack. Feed yourself food that tastes good and has good nutritional value. When you eat the food, enjoy the smells, touch, colors and taste. Acknowledge that you are giving yourself the gift of nourishment and yes, it’s okay to feel proud about it.
2. Allow yourself a good nights sleep.
(Heck, be a rebel allow yourself more than one.)
You are probably aware of the benefits of a good night’s sleep but, haven’t been able convince yourself that you deserve it. Self compassion has been shown to be a better motivator than self punishment.
Challenge yourself to make changes in your lifestyle that allow you more to get at least 7 hours of sleep per night.
When you get into bed indulge in the feeling of your sheets, notice your body releasing its need to hold you up. In the morning you can reap the motivational benefits of having more energy to function well and be productive.
3. Exercise.
I’m not talking about running a marathon or pushing yourself to the point of pain and injury. Remember to avoid the edge of self punishment. A vigorous walk in nature, a bunch of laps at the community pool, dance, play with children whatever gets you moving and feeling the endorphins of exercise.
Keep in mind that the intension is to extend kindness to yourself. When you finish moving, be still for a moment and feel your lungs expanding to breathe in more oxygen, allow yourself to be charged by the hard earned feeling of relaxation that occurs with your exhale.
4. Support yourself physically.
When things go wrong and you are scared, offer yourself supportive touch. If you were walking down the street and something fell out of the sky and landed at your feet you might jump , perhaps screech and likely place your hand on your chest. Physical support is equally suitable for emotional fear.
When you are scared, you can gently place your hand on your arm, chest or opposite hand just as you might do for someone else.
When you are tired or frustrated, take a minute to massage your forehead and temples. No harm in adding mental assurances to the physical support.
Practice experiencing negative occurrences as part of the greater human experience rather than seeing them as reasons to consider yourself separate and isolated.
5. Let yourself make mistakes.
Notice when you are criticizing yourself and choose to advocate for a better relationship with you. Ask yourself how do I feel when I believe this negative thought? Imagine that you had a good friend that was feeling the way you feel. You wouldn’t tell your friend she was an idiot. You would see where she was trying and point out her strengths. Practice being a good friend to yourself and you might find that you feel less alone when no one is around.
6. Resist the urge to think why me.
Some people think that self-compassion is somehow whimpy, indulgent and feeling sorry for yourself. That is because they are making the mistake of confusing it with self-pity. Let’s face it, self-pity happens. But there is something you can do about it.
Try to look outside of yourself in these moments, not to negate your experience, but to see that you are not isolated in your suffering. Your sadness, anger, loss and frustration are part of being human. You won’t have to look far to see that others are suffering just as much.
Reflecting on other’s suffering can be helpful but what is more helpful is taking that extra step to actually help someone else. Helping others facilitates the recognition that you are not isolated and separate but rather, part of the greater human experience of being perfectly imperfect.
Be mindful of painful thoughts and feelings by holding them in awareness without over-identifying yourself with them.
7. You are not your thoughts.
Pay attention to your negative thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge that they exist rather than denying them, however, remain aware that nothing is forever.
You may be feeling very sad, or angry, or hopeless, but, that is different than being sad, being angry or being hopeless. You are not your feelings. Be careful not to identify yourself as your feelings. Your feelings change but your essence, who you truly are, remains the same. Essence is not a negative feeling state.
To connect to your essence, try taking a breathing break.
Focus on the sensation of breathing, ask your mind to witness the breath without guiding it or controlling it. Feel the breath moving through your body. Let your mind be full of sensation and being but, clear from thoughts. Allow yourself to identify with the strong still presence that occurs when you let go of thinking. That is your essence. Remember you are that.