Life is a process of evolution and change and there is a place in you that supports that change when you get stuck. Unfortunately, the place is dark and shadowy. Often, it is a gloomy cave of sadness where personal demons linger, repeating tales of loss, betrayal and deception.
Darkness is a reminder of bonds of love that have been broken; where what is left, is pain. It exists so that you will notice the ways that you are not living what you hoped to live. It may be one of the most unpleasant places on earth however, it exists to inspire adaptation, learning, change and growth.
The facade of separation
Life inside the cave thrives on frustration. It creates a facade of separation, isolation and loneliness. The lie that echoes through it, says that you alone experience this level of pain. It says that, “others” are incapable of understanding your plight.
Other people will often confirm their inability to understand you as they, in their cave, are caught in their own stories of separation. Their negation of your request for acknowledgement not only increases your frustration, it also confirms the illusion of separation.
The simple truth denied by this experience is; heartbreak is part of being human. Full stop. It happens to all of us at different times, in different degrees. Lack of empathy, both for self and others, limits us in our ability to see that we are more alike than we know.
The trick of the cave is, that its echo leaves us feeling ashamed and isolated. In isolation, you come to believe that you are fundamentally different from others. Thus, you are reluctant to express yourself to others. Once in a while, you may become secluded, lost in a cave of depression, feeling unable to find the way out.
But there is a way out.
The cave is full of messengers guiding you to the frustration and futility that will ultimately lead you out. If you don’t want to stay lost in it, learn to listen for the inspiring intentions hidden in the frustration and sadness.
If this was a real cave, rather than a metaphorical one, the route out would be obvious.
The way out, is the way that you came in.
You came into the cave through broken attachments, loss, rejection, or failure. These emotional experiences left you feeling blinded, unable to see the way out.
Having lost sight of your own truth, the way out of the cave is to feel. Through sensation, your body communicates emotion. Emotion is cellular communication or energy in motion. The energy is pushing you to remember that you are worthy of more but are accepting less.
Emotions are messengers of truth
The cave is a sacred place where emotions represent your true self and remind you that something needs to change. Treat sadness, depression and anxiety as messengers. They are there to help you.
When you have tried to escape emotional suffering and keep discovering, as Jon Kabat Zinn said, “Wherever you go, there you are,” you likely need to have your tears. Surrender, listen to the message carried in the tears and frustration. Listening just may be the surest way to outgrow the sadness.
Growth, however, requires change. You need to construct change. The ways that you feel and process experience have been established over a lifetime. These long standing ways of being are called developmental behaviour patterns. You likely learned them a long time ago, and have been reinforcing them your whole life.
Facing Futility
Gordon Neufeld labelled the change from mad to sad. He called it facing futility. He noted that futility is the turning point in the adaptive process. Futility occurs when you realize that what you are doing is not working for you.
Futility helps you acknowledge the possibility of letting go of something you thought you wanted. Finding futility creates space for the prospect of something new. Accepting that, what you have been doing just does not work, allows you to begin the work of adaptation.
When you have not reached futility you will continue arguing against your problems trying to effect change. You will feel frustrated and choked. It is a sympathetic nervous system state — fight or flight. You are railing against the things that you cannot change.
On the other hand, when you have reached futility, your nervous system switches over to the parasympathetic, rest and recuperate state. This is where you will likely feel the quiet sadness of futility and where your brain can access the resources to adapt.
When things are not working your way, you get mad. Your brain doesn’t digest well in fight or flight so, it keeps regurgitating the same type of reactions and behaviours. There is little or no room for learning in this state. When you give up the fight and surrender, the doors can open to new possibilities and change.
Making the move from mad to sad
To find your way out of the cave, you have to find a way to look at things with new eyes. Finding a change in perspective depends on an exchange of emotions. Typically, the change goes from mad to sad, but sometimes from sad to mad and back to a different kind of sad, the sadness of futility.
If you are starting from sadness, it is essential to note that surrendering to sadness is not the same as self-pity. Pity asks, “Why me?”. Sorrow and tears often occur in the face of self-pity. In contrast, the surrender of tears of futility says, “Ok, I’m listening now, tell me what I need to learn here.” This second inquiry is open to change, it has curiosity in it, and it matches with tears of futility.
So, once you reach futility, who are you listening to? Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart as opposed to listening to your ego. Typically, people think that listening to yourself means thinking things through and making sense of your thoughts. If is more than thinking things through and making sense out of your thoughts. If you’ve been depressed for a while, chances are you’ve already tried that. Listening to your emotions is the opposite of thinking. It requires quieting your mind.
You cannot listen when you are thinking. Listening is non verbal. Give it a try.
Close your eyes, feel your breath. Its not easy and it might not happen right away but listen to your breath without guiding or controlling it. Once you have your focus honed, start to notice the sensations and physical experience of emotions in your body. Be aware of where you feel emotions in your body? What qualities does this emotion have?
Notice the ways in which the sensations change and/or move. Be present to the change or movement. Also, observe the places where sensation seems stagnant. Notice the sensation of stagnation.
While the main goal is to stay non verbal in your noticing, over time you can become aware of the types of thoughts that interrupt the silence. Mentally say, “planning, judging, remembering…”Then, let the thoughts go and return to sensation.
Continue to practice for 5-10 minutes. Return to sensation and listening every time your mind wanders into it’s habitual thought patterns.
**Your mad does not have to turn to sad before you start listening. Just make sure that you are listening to sensation and experience rather than thought.
This works because it allows your body/mind to process information
All of that feeling is information. Cellular communication is being read and processed by your body-mind in nonverbal ways. Your central nervous system is processing emotional information without getting interrupted by thoughts and ideas arising in the linguistic areas of the brain.
Tuning into your awareness in a non-verbal way allows your brain to process and integrate your feeling states. Once some of the emotion is integrated, the brain has less emotional clutter, and you begin to find the insight required to work around the problem.
Here’s a Cole’s notes list to help you remember the steps
- Emotions are energy in motion, pushing you to remember your worth.
- Embrace your emotions, treat them as messengers.
- Remember the difference between surrender and pity.
- Listen in a nonverbal way.
- Recognize that developmental behavioural patterns are resistant to change.
- Allow futility to lead you to adaptation.
- Repeat.
Interesting side note
William Frey researched tears and found that not all tears consist of the same stuff. He found that tears of futility hold more toxic waste than tears caused by more benign circumstances, like those created when we cut onions. Tears of futility not only prevent you from being redundant, but they also have a healthy chemical component that allows you to get rid of toxicity.
Heidi Stokes is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and IAYT certified Yoga Therapist who specializes in working with women who have lost their passion for life. She uses mindfulness, cognitive behavioural therapy and embodiment to help women reconstruct behavioural patterns that prevent them from living life to its fullest.
